some smart-ass’ writings

All racists who are prepared to die for their country, why not now?
Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question
Superman is a travestite
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Lower the age of puberty!
God bless Atheism
I drink to make other people interesting
My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex
An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead
I invented the cordless extension cord
I can't come tonight, my tires got dizzy…
Can I get your picture? I collect nature disasters
For all of you who talk about me, thanks for making ME the center of YOUR world!
I'm cool, I'm hot….I'm everything you're not
You and the bank own a very lovely home
I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later
Only in America do they buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…
I'm not smiling at you, I'm trying not to laugh!
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence? I think not…
I'm fat, but your ugly. I can diet
English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
You may laugh because I'm different but I laugh because you're all the same
If at first you dont succeed skydiving isnt for you
I am on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!
I aint guilty, im just not innocent! 😉
Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls
Everyone likes a little ass, but no one likes a smart ass
I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says mooooo
An answer to that nagging question…………… I let the dogs out!
What do an Icebear have after swimming? Snowballs!
You know it's always business doing pleasure with you
If you throw rice at weddings, will asian people throw hotdogs?
I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
When I'm good, I'm really good, but when I'm bad I'm better
What do they call Bush his zipper? The " U.S. Open"
Beer: helping ugly people get laid since 1823
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with
You're looking at perfection, and it ain't you!
Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
If electricty comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Next time wave all your fingers at me!
When it comes to baldness, it's not about losing more hair, it's about getting more head
The height of laziness is a man is shitting on the beach and waiting for the tide
You're unique, just like everyone else….
Everybody has the right to be stupid but your breaking the rules!
Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
Save a mouse, eat a pussy
Keep Earth clean, it's not Ur-anus
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns
Don't do it behind the garden gate love is blind but the neighbours ain't!
When you judge others you dont define them you define yourself.. 🙂
The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?
A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't
Anarchists of the world, unite!
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Don't be open-minded, your brains might fall out
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
On the other hand, you have different fingers
Who laughs last, thinks the slowest
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good
Oh man this is crazy, I hope I didn't brain my damage
Time flies like the wind; fruit flies like bananas
If you dont like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk
I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it
That money talks I don't deny… I just heard mine yell: Goodbye!!
Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids
I'm not a follower… I'm a leader with the same idea
This is where Napolean beat his bone-a-part
First law of science: don't spit into the wind
I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Even hot girls have to fart
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it
Do you got with me get lost? I know the way
It was a brave man who ate the first oyster
There are three types of economists. Those who can count, and those who can't
Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass
I never appoligize! I'm sorry, that's just not the way I am
Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who' got the smallest
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work
Men are like roses, you got to watch out for all the pricks
Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised
I don't hate you, I just need someone to take my anger out on
I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by
Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics
Ass, Grass, or Gas: everybody's gotta pay
Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?
Why is it that the most unattractive people in this world insist on being nudists?
I'm not a dumb blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!
I don't know if I'm a player. Ask one of my girlfriends
Virginity is like a bubble… One tiny prick and it's gone
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man
They speak of my drinking but they never consider my thirst
We'd better get outta here, I think I hear one of those silent alarms
I don't like to repeat things, so listen carefully the first six times
If guys had their period, they'd probably brag about the size of our tampons
Fat people are harder to kidnap
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?
Fat Girls are like Mopeds: fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to catch you
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture
I must confess, I was born at a very early age
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own .
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!